Player Classification System

These are the different characters you’ll come across in any basketball league/ pickup game/ gym in your world travels. I’ll update this list as necessary to make sure I include any and all players classifications.

• Professional Baller (PB) This player is a pro, period. A player that gets paid to play somewhere, or is aspiring (and good enough) to be doing so. A PB has the 3 tools necessary for good basketball: 1) Physical abilities; 2) Know-how (how to set and/ or defend a screen, how to box out and grab a rebound, getting back on defense, etc); 3) Heart- not being afraid or nervous in any situation, knowing when to take charge and lead his team. The PB may, however, make the mistake of expecting his teammates to be able to play at his pace/level or close to it, and be very wrong- I am guilty of this often.
  
• College Player (CP) This is a player that is playing in college, recently finished playing college ball, or could play on some college basketball teams if he so chose. Not going to be a professional, but definitely can hold his own on the court against some pros, or step on the floor against some college ballers and not look out of place at all. The CP has the 3 essential tools, but to a lower degree that the PB has them. What makes a CP especially valuable is that he knows his limitations, and is not embarrassed to play within those limitations.
• Rec League Player (RLP) This is the player you will see the most of wherever you go to play, anywhere in the world. This player doesn’t play college ball, and doesn’t aspire to move up a level in bball; he just loves to play the game, wherever, whenever. This player is generally not super- talented, but has the know- how to play in a game with pros and college players without embarrassing himself. In big cities- like Philadelphia, where I’m from- RLPs will be very good players, who can and will embarrass a PB or CP who plays as if he has nothing to prove. I have seen this many times first hand. Plays hard the majority of the time, but can easily lose confidence and/or effectiveness if he finds himself in a situation in which he feels relatively garbage (i.e., being the only non- PB or CP in the gym).
  
• Garbage Player (GP) A Garbage Player has the same credentials as a RLP, but minus most of the know how, almost all of the physical abilities, and, sometimes, the heart (Note: some GPs are quite brave and courageous- which doesn’t help the situation. This is the type of guy who would be ready to fight if you told him he was garbage. If you play pickup ball in any big city, there will be a plethora of these guys.) The worst thing about a GP, however, is that this player doesn’t always play within his limits, which leads to turnovers, terrible shots and decisions, giving up easy points for the opponent, and angry teammates (especially if any of them are PBs or CPs). The only good GP is one who knows he is a GB and stays in his place. When PBs and CPs are on the floor, a GP should be happy just to be there. Far too often this is not the case. My personal reference is to avoid playing with too many GPs in general, unless there are referees and scoreboards and such (or I’m with another good player and we just feel like beating up on some weak players for fun).
  
• Has Been Player (HB) an HB is a player who used to be really good, whether it be a local high school, in college, or in the pro ranks, but someone usually has to tell you this. An HB will appear to be just a good RLP with a heightened sense of self-worth. An HB will show flashes of brilliance, and always seem to carry himself as if he is a lot better than he really is. HBs are especially resentful of current PBs and sometime CPs because an HB knows he is looking at what he used to be. Almost all PBs and CPs become HBs if they hang around long enough. Occasionally and HB can be spotted talking shit to a current PB or CP about where they played and what they did, or how much better they were than the person they are speaking to. An HB always seems to have an informed Person around when they play. An Informed Person is the guy on the sideline who knows the history of the HB, and will talk to you quietly after the HB makes some spectacular play in the game he’s playing in. Example: “Yeah, [the HB] averaged 28 points per game in the high school two miles down the road. He hurt his knee though, then he had a kid, and never got to play in college. [The HB] was fuckin’ good though, back then, man. He scored 46 points on my high school team when I was a senior and he was only a sophomore.” For some reason, I seem to run into more HBs in suburban settings than I do in the city; kinda like how a washed up NBA player can stretch his career out a few more years overseas but couldn’t get a job on the NBA anymore.
• Wanna-Be Pro Baller (WBP) A conversation I had with Wes after he had played some pickup ball in Miami led me to, with Wes’ insight, add this category of player to the classification system. A WBP is a guy who claims to be about to go overseas (or some pro league), says he played overseas (or some pro league), or has everyone in the venue he’s playing in (WBPs always play at the same place all the time) saying, in a very convincing fashion, that the WBP is about to go, or has been, overseas (or some pro league). This player usually will show some glimpse of skill in his game (i.e., he’ll look like he had adequate game at one point in his life- a point that has passed), look the part (in terms of his attire) when he walks onto the court, and definitely- this is the clincher- talks the talk. Often the WBP will talk down to other players on the floor in a disdainful way as if he is doing them a favor by even being out there, and will get in arguments with opponents and teammates alike, usually ending the conversation by bringing up the fact that he played (or is about to play, or almost played) overseas (or in some pro league). WPBs usually thrive in areas that have a very scarce supply of PBs or even CPs, and the RLPs in the WPB‘s home area would be treated as GPs in more competitive areas (hope I didn’t lose you with that one). A WPB‘s cover is most often blown when a good CP or season PB comes to the WPB‘s home court, out-plays the WPB, and pulls the WPB‘s card on the WPB for saying he played overseas (or in some pro league). After wards, WPBs will try and make friends with the CP or PB that embarrassed the WPB in the game(s).
• Professional Garbage Player (PGP) I will use a hypothetical situation to describe the PGP: Let’s say Ed has played some professional basketball overseas. And I, Dre, have played as well, but we do not know each other. Now, even though Ed has played overseas/ pro ball, he is not very good (by PB standards). The casual basketball fan in the USA does not know much about overseas basketball, or any league, for the matter, that is not the NBA. So when the casual bball fan meets a guy that says he “plays overseas,” said player and any other person who makes  a similar claim will be grouped together in the casual fan’s mind, as “a guy who plays basketball overseas.” Still with me? OK. So when this casual fan watches Ed play, he sees that Ed is not so good, and in turn, this cheapens his paradigm of an “overseas pro basketball player.” So when Casual Fan meets Dre, and learns that Dre “plays basketball overseas,” the casual fan does not think so highly of Dre’s profession because of his impressions from watching Ed. Get it? Another drawback of PGPs is their residual effect on RLPs and GPs: An RLP or GP may feel he measures up pretty well (or is damn close) to this PGP after seeing him play/ playing with him/against him. In turn, now we have a handful of RLPs and GPs who NOW think THEY can be PBs, and- due to Ed- they have every right to feel this way! That is, until a PB comes along and, either via the PB’s performance or words, sets the RLP/ GP straight. So in conclusion, PGPs cheapen the entire establishment of professional basketball in general.